How to Play Silent Football

Seat everyone in a circle, either on the floor or in chairs. Choose one player with Silent Football experience, or good improvisation skills and a strong personality, to be "Mr. Commissioner," "The Dictator," or "Mr. President." This person is referred to as "Mr. Commissioner, Mr. Commissioner, Sir," regardless of gender, at all times during play. The Commissioner will decide whether or not to explain the rules at the beginning of the game. For a more confusing, more hilarious game, the rules can simply be picked up by the beginners as they go along.

Move an imaginary, invisible football in two ways. One way is to place the right hand on the back of the head and extend the elbow in the direction of the intended recipient. This is the "Zoom." The other way is to set your hand on one of your legs, raise it over the other leg, then the original leg, and then setting it back in the original position, making a triangle with your hand in the process, and moving only your hand and arm. This is the "Fwap." The Zoom passes the football directly to the player with whom the elbow was extended, while the Fwap passes the football over one player per repetition in the direction of the leg on which the motion was started and finished. For example, two players to the right if the triangle began and ended on the right leg and was performed twice.

Refuse the football in two ways. "The Shrug" can be performed when a player attempts to "Zoom" the football to you, and is done by making a shrugging motion while shaking one&'s head. "The Shrodem" is performed by placing one&'s right hand on one&'s head and touching one&'s right elbow with one&'s left hand. Both moves return the football to the original possessor, and only can be played against a "Zoom." No one can refuse a "Fwap".

Laugh only by clasping your hands in front of you and switching your index fingers back and forth. This is the classic move for modest laughter. Intense laughter is expressed by placing both hands on the back of the head and bringing the elbows together and apart. Vocal laughter of any kind, including all sounds, is prohibited.

Speak only after raising your hand and being called upon by "Mr. Commissioner." No sounds of any kind are permitted apart from these sanctioned vocalizations. All speech must be done in imitation of a parliamentary oratory proceeding, with correct grammar and vocabulary. All players must be referred to only as Mr., Mrs., Ms. or Miss, plus the last name, and no pronouns of any kind can be used. All speech must begin with "Mr. Commissioner, Mr. Commissioner, Sir. ..." For example, "Mr. Commissioner, Mr. Commissioner, Sir. It has come to my attention that Mr. Smith may have inadvertently committed a gross error by allowing unmentionable sounds to be expelled from Mr. Smith&'s mouth when Mr. Smith did not possess the floor in which to speak."

Continue to pass the football around, while Mr. Commissioner distributes half points and points for all who break rules and regulations. This rule breaking must be brought to Mr. Commissioner&'s attention by another player, in the form of a courtroom proceeding or debate. The game ends when one player has collected three points, at which time the loser is sent from the group while the committee decides what to do with him as punishment. Often someone intending to tattle on another player will break a rule in the process, which often can create quite a viscous circle.